“Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21)
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
Erick’s Father Wounds:
Erick grew up with a loyal, committed father who made his family a priority. His dad camped, fished, and spent time with his children regularly. It had the potential of being ideal – a young boy receiving the regular attention of his father.
Unfortunately, Erick’s dad was also moody, with a bad temper that flared up often. Erick happened to be the unlucky child who drew his dad’s anger more than the other siblings, which often led to excessive “discipline” – slapping, spanking, kicking, and yelling in his face with verbal abuse. It caused Erick to be on constant alert, walking on eggshells around his dad.
Being singled out as a child (as a scapegoat for his dad’s anger) made Erick feel like there was something wrong with him. The attacks seemed very personal.
Erick’s mom was the opposite of his dad. She was stable, consistent, patient, and loving. And yet, she never defended Erick when his dad went to excess.
Erick came to know and love Jesus as a child. After college, he recommitted his life to the Lord.
He grew up to become a man of godly character who is a gifted leader of high-school aged students. He is a man who teens admire and aspire to be like.
When Erick first came to meet with me, he struggled with being able to feel God’s love and stay connected with God on an ongoing basis. It seemed understandable after hearing about his background with his dad.
Our parents are often our first representation of God. Unknowingly, some of their attributes often get superimposed onto God’s image, and we tend to bond with God the way we bonded with our parents. In Erick’s case, the volatile circumstances growing up created a lot of fear bonds with both his dad and God. It was my hope that he would develop stronger love bonds with both of them over time.
Erick’s Words:
“My dad not only had a volatile anger, but he also withdrew his love for extended periods of time. He froze me out. Some kids experience their father’s volatile anger, but immediately after the blow up their dad would get right back into relationship with them. Mine didn’t.
“When my dad got angry, he attacked who I was as a person…not simply what he didn’t like about what I had done. I left those encounters feeling like my dad thought I was bad, that he didn’t see any good in me. I was left thinking that he didn’t like me.
“I am growing in my understanding of the impact my dad’s woundedness had on our family and on me in particular. My dad passed on a generational father wound that he received from his dad, who was orphaned as a child. My grandfather never felt like he was loved. He didn’t spend much time with my dad.
“I had taken it all very personally, but it wasn’t personal. It wasn’t about me. I’ve come to a place where I believe, and it feels true in my heart, that what happened with my dad was about my dad, not about me.
“My dad didn’t focus on love and relationship to be the key change agent. The key change agent was punishment. Because of that, I used to look at challenges and trials in my life as punishment from God.
“I believe that the experience of being deeply loved is what changes people more than anything.
“Through Legacy Shepherding Ministries, Inc., I have had moments of experiencing God’s love beyond a simple head knowledge to actually noticing it in my heart, where it goes beyond reasoning to accepting that God loves me.
Words To Randy:
“I see you as a loving and patient man who genuinely wanted to see me experience love – your love and God’s love. You cared and paid attention to what was going on in my life. You didn’t want to see me be hard on myself, which I feel is the opposite of my dad.
“I have not had anyone show me compassion and understanding the way you have.
“You showed me it was safe to expose who I really am and that you weren’t going to hurt me. There haven’t been many opportunities for me to do that in my life. For that experience, I am forever grateful.
“You showed me that a dad can be tender and be effective in developing his kids. You showed me that kindness and understanding can be useful in maturing a kid. You showed me a way that is opposite of screaming and yelling and withdrawing love.
“You displayed great patience with me. There were times when I experienced God’s love and found myself actually sitting in that place. But in between meetings I would lose it and I’d come back ashamed to check in at the next meeting. Disappointed in myself that I wasn’t in that place anymore, I was amazed that as I checked in you were not disappointed. I looked into your eyes to see if I could find it, because that is what I was expecting, but I couldn’t. That meant a lot to me. I wasn’t used to that.
“You have had a profound impact on my life.
Erick’s Reluctance to Write:
“For the longest time, I felt compelled to write something for one of Randy’s newsletters, but for some reason I wouldn’t let myself. I was hoping to write from a place that I would call ‘victory’. I had windows of time where things seemed right inside…where everything lined up – my sense of who I was, my perceived closeness with God, and my emotional health and peace. But those windows were short lived.
“I would offer to write a piece, only to fall into some old pattern that lead to what felt like inner disarray. It would be then that I would go cold on the idea of writing about how much I was growing. I would lose all sense of any progress or growth, because in that particular moment I wasn’t experiencing life internally the way I desperately wanted to.
“I so desperately wanted to write from a place of victory, but maybe victory is more than feeling good all the time. Maybe victory comes in the moments of connecting with someone over stuff I don’t share with many people. Maybe victory is seeing God as an interested, personal, affectionate Father invested in my life, if even for a moment. And maybe victory is walking with God through the ups and downs of pain, while waiting for God to fulfill the dreams he has put on my heart in His timing and in His own way.” – Erick
Since then:
Erick and his dad have come a long way over the years. They have had some honest talks about what happened back when Erick was young, and they continue to work on, grow, and heal their relationship.
I’m glad Erick wrote without experiencing total “victory”. It seems a more realistic place, where most of us live. I, personally, need to hear stories of people in the midst of the struggle, not just after they’ve overcome.
During our season together, Erick grew immensely. I’m so proud of him and I believe he has experienced victory in many more ways than he realizes.
Today, he continues to pour into others, specifically high-schoolers, with incredible impact. Even though Erick doesn’t have any children of his own (yet), he is becoming the father he always wanted and the father he wants to be, the father many young people need him to be for them, blood or no blood.
God is redeeming him and using his story to help others. Like many of us, Erick is a wounded healer, and wounded healers are powerful change agents. Wounded healers know how to love with God’s love…and God’s love changes everything.
Thank You:
Thank you for supporting Erick through his season of growth.
Please continue to pray for this young man as he continues his journey of growth. But don’t pray for him by the name of Erick. Erick is not this young man’s real name. I changed his name, because I don’t want this update to somehow cause any further hurt or division with his father as they journey toward healing. Just pray for him without a name. God will know who you mean.
In His Love,
Randy
Photos from flickr.com, Creative Commons:
Canoe – echoroo – /photos/22544551@N04/
Hands – Alex Krasavtsev – /photos/krasava/
Sunset – Nisha A – /photos/samiksha/
Victory – Carrie Kellenberger – /photos/globetrotteri/
Fountain – zeevveez – /photos/zeevveez/
Leave a Reply