Forgive to Live!

Randy’s March, 2011 Update:

Forgiveness is a common piece in the process of our transformation and healing.  I often see the need for forgiveness weaving its way into the work I do.  So this month’s update describes a Forgiveness Process you may find helpful.

Forgiveness Process:

1) As you consider the issue of forgiveness in your life, invite God into the forgiveness process.  You can do this by praying something like, “Lord, I invite you to be with me as I focus on this problem.  Please show me whatever you want me to know, and help me to forgive whomever and whatever I’m supposed to forgive.  Graciously permit me to perceive your presence and receive your truth.”

2) Acknowledge/recognize the offense(s) committed.  Name the offense(s) specifically and honestly.  Write them down if it is helpful.  Don’t minimize or make excuses for the other person’s behavior.

3) Name your judgments about the person who hurt you.  Write those down.

4) Offenses that wound us usually carry a perceived negative message or lie about ourselves that hurt us.  What was the message/lie you received?  By doing what they did, what did you believe the offender was saying or thinking about you? What did you come to believe was true about yourself?  Ask God to show you any lies about yourself that you internalized.  Name the lies.  Write down whatever surfaces.

(Note: Sometimes we refuse to forgive because we refuse to accept the message/lie attached to the offense.  It may help to separate the two.  We can forgive the person and not accept the lie we received through them.)

5) Acknowledge/recognize the feelings you have.  I feel sad, angry, scared, and/or shame (a vague feeling of inadequacy, not being good enough, or feeling flawed at the core).  If you feel anger or shame, what is under your anger or shame, sad (hurt) or scared (fear)?  What are you sad about?  What are you scared about?

6) Allow yourself to feel your feelings.  Though the painful feelings are often something we wish to avoid, rushing past feeling our feelings hinders our process of forgiveness and healing at the deepest layers.

7) Invite God and his love into those painful feelings, those wounded places.  Let the Lord comfort you.  Comfort yourself.  What do you desire to receive?  Imagine Jesus with you, giving you the comfort you desire to receive from the Lord.  Imagine what He would do or say.  Soak in His love as long as you need to.

(Note:  If it is difficult for you to picture Jesus in this way, you may want to imagine the Father, the Spirit, a person who loves you, or even a beloved pet – for all love comes from God and God’s love is big enough to work through all things to bring about your healing and redemption.  Go with what feels best for you right where you’re at, without judging yourself.).

8 ) When you’re ready, state your forgiveness to the Lord.  “Lord, I have been angry at     (name)    for     (offense)   .  I forgive     (name)   for     (offense)  .” (Be specific).

9) Look at your judgments about the person who hurt you.  Own, confess, and release your judgments to God.  Release the offender of the offense, and let God be the Righteous Judge.  Which means you choose to release the person from owing you anything.  “Lord, I confess that I have judged     (name)    in the following ways:” (pray through each one specifically).

“God, I give You permission to take this judgment and bitterness out of my life and remove it from my heart.  I choose not to blame or hold the actions of     (name)    against him/her.  I hereby surrender my right to be paid back for my loss, and in so doing, I declare my trust in You alone, as the Righteous Judge.  I turn from my judgments and instead pray blessing upon    (name)    .  I ask that you bless     (name)    in the following ways:” (be specific).

10) Hurt people hurt people – Often we do and say hurtful things when we’ve been hurt.  Confess/apologize to God for anything you need to take responsibility for.  “Lord, please forgive me where I have sinned and hurt others:” (Be specific).

11) Pray for inner healing.  Renounce and release the lies you received as best you can.  “Please heal me where I have been wounded and remove any lies I internalized that are holding me back:” (be specific with the ones you are aware of).  “Help me to receive, internalize, and live in the truth:” (be specific about what is true).  Consider doing more healing work around these lies at a later time.  These wounds heal in layers.

12) Give thanks.  “I am thankful to You for the following things regarding this person, relationship, and/or what I’ve learned through this situation.  I am thankful for:” (be specific).

If you wrote things down, you may wish to burn what you wrote at this point, as a symbol of letting it go and not holding onto it anymore.

But I’ve Already Done This!

I like to remind people that forgiveness often comes in layers, like an onion.  We often need to revisit the same issue repeatedly, each time at a deeper layer, until we get to the core, where we find complete forgiveness and healing.  It doesn’t mean we didn’t forgive on previous occasions.  We did forgive as best we could, whatever we were aware of and could face at that time.  There may be more there that God will bring us back to when we are ready to face it.  It’s rarely a one-time event, especially for big or on-going issues.  To treat it as such, stops the forgiveness process.

Helpful Insights:

Some helpful insights from “The Grief Recovery Handbook” by John W. James and Russell Friedman:
-Forgive does not mean condone.  Forgive = to cease to feel resentment against an offender.  Condone = to treat as if trivial, harmless, or of no importance.

– Any memorized resentment of past events will limit and restrict our ability to participate fully in life.  Successful recovery requires completion of the pain rather than retention of the resentment.

– Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person.

– Forgiving does not mean forgetting.

– A feeling of forgiveness usually only comes after taking an action of forgiveness.  Action first, the feeling follows.

– Never give unsolicited forgiveness to anyone directly to their face.  An unsolicited statement of forgiveness is almost always perceived as an attack.  The person being forgiven need never know that it has happened.

– Asking others to forgive us is an incorrect communication.  If you are asking for forgiveness, you are really trying to apologize for something.  Don’t ask for forgiveness.  Make an apology.  Let them choose what they will do with it.

-While in the midst of the forgiveness process, do not minimize or rationalize other people’s behavior by thinking the offender did the best they could with what they had to work with.  Even though it may be intellectually true, it is not emotionally helpful.  When you do that, you inadvertently override the forgiveness you wish to issue.  Without realizing it, you are excusing bad behavior.  The intellectual fact is that whatever people do is their best, otherwise they’d do something different.  A sadder part of that fact is some people’s “best” nearly destroyed us.  We can have compassion without negation with a statement more like, “I have compassion on     (name)    for the things that affected him/her.”  This type of statement should only come after all necessary forgiveness has occurred.

Thank You:

Hopefully you found this helpful.  Thanks for joining me on the journey.

The pictures I included were photos I took after the Blizzard in February.  They show what was happening on the outside (Snowmageddon) and what was happening on the inside (new life), just like how forgiveness feels.

In His Love,
Randy