Randy’s May, 2010 Update
“First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.” (Matt 23:26b)
“We become like the God we adore.” – Unknown
The photos in this month’s update are from this Spring, in my yard. I think they are appropriate, because this is a story of renewal, of Spring.
Cleaning the Lust on the Inside:
“I used to shame myself a lot. I thought I needed to be hard on myself in order to change the parts I didn’t like about myself, like the secretive, lustful parts of me that were driving me toward an internet porn addiction.
“I believed I had to die to these lustful feelings and willpower my way into holiness. I found that didn’t work very well for me. I could only act purely and push down my lust for so long before I’d revert back to my old lustful ways, because nothing had changed internally. Change had to come from the inside to be long lasting.
“Being critical, judgmental, and legalistic only caused my lusts to go into hiding temporarily and then act up even worse. Whatever I pushed down became toxic in the dark and seeped out in unhealthy ways. I thought marriage would change things, but to my surprise it didn’t. The problem didn’t go away.
“Before finding a spiritual mentor, I’d never talked to anyone about these things. I felt too much shame. It didn’t feel safe to be honest about my struggles.
“Some of the shaming messages I heard seemed to tell me that I wasn’t being spiritual enough. To be spiritual enough, I needed to overcome these lustful compulsions using the spiritual disciples – pray more, read my Bible more, claim Biblical truth more – to somehow appease God so he would finally draw near and help me.
“But he wasn’t helping me. Nothing was working. Why wouldn’t he help me?
“Apparently, I was doing something wrong. It seemed I needed to change myself without his help, before he would draw near to me. I concluded I needed to be even tougher on myself. Internally, I lived as if God was a demanding taskmaster, and I was becoming like the god I’d created.
“Through this discipleship process, I’m realizing life-changing things about the way I’ve viewed God and religion, the way I’ve viewed myself, and the way I’ve viewed others (especially women).
“This journey has changed my paradigm and helped me to see things with new eyes. My heart has been opening up in love and surrendering to that love.
“As I’ve brought things that were deeply rooted inside me into the light, they’ve been met with love. Healing has been happening at a core level.
“I’m learning firsthand that Love heals. Jesus is still saving and redeeming me – all the parts of me.
“As I’ve experienced God’s acceptance of me, I’m trying to accept myself more. But how can I accept myself when I’m doing bad things?
“I’m gradually seeing the difference between accepting myself and accepting my behavior. Underneath the bad behavior is a lovable person with some good desires – desires for love and intimacy. The immature parts of me simply don’t know how to get those desires met in healthy ways. These immature parts are scared and don’t know how to grow up.
“I’m currently treating my lustful parts as immature, wounded adolescents who need my love, encouragement, and guidance to grow up and heal. This viewpoint is somehow helping me work with God in bringing about the changes he and I long to see.
“As I view it this way, I’m learning to be kinder to myself. I’m seeking to understand myself on the inside – why I’m feeling the things I’m feeling, rather than ignoring them, pushing them down, or being overly critical of myself when I feel them.
“By looking under the surface with God, I’m learning how to love myself better and and how to invite and receive God’s love into those deeply needy places within me – into my hurts, wounds, sins, shame, thoughts, and emotions – so they don’t have to hide or act out (like disregarded children acting up to get my attention).
“This shift has started to bring about inner transformation, which subsequently has led to an increased self confidence and an inner love that moves out into real relationships to love others better.
“I’m now offering myself my helpful love, not my wounding, harsh, discouraging criticism. The spiritual disciplines are becoming friends, not whips to beat myself with.
“Amazing! I’m changing on the inside, without beating myself up! I’m helping others change without subtly beating them up too.
“I’ve never loved God, myself, or other’s more or better.” – Anonymous
Thank You:
It’s wonderful to see people finding incremental healing and growing in love, especially spiritual leaders who have the power and position to impact many people both positively and negatively. On this redemptive journey, each one of us has the opportunity to become a wounded healer in our own unique way and in our own unique passion area through the individual journey God has brought each of us.
Thanks for your prayers and support for this ministry…and for reading these updates!
In His Love,
Randy
Follow Up on Todd:
Check out the video posted recently featuring Todd Katter, who I highlighted in a previous update. He’s running an ultra-marathon of 56 miles in Africa to recruit sponsors for children impacted by AIDS in Africa, through World Vision. Way to go, Todd! I was very touched by your video. Please be safe.
Todd Runs Comrades for Children in Africa from Todd Katter on Vimeo.
Leave a Reply