Finish Well

Randy’s April, 2010 Update

TED Conferences:

Have you checked out the TED conferences at ted.com?  It’s an annual conference that brings together the world’s most fascinating thinkers and doers from the areas of Technology, Entertainment, and Design (TED) and more.  These speakers are challenged to give “the talk of their lives” in 18 minutes or less.

A Colonoscopy Study – Learning From Our ENDS:

I was watching one talk from this year’s conference by a man named Daniel Kahneman about happiness: the riddle of experience vs. memory.  Though this wasn’t the conclusion of this particular speaker’s talk, it reminded me of a good lesson I try to pass onto the leaders I mentor: Finish well.

The speaker referred to a study done in the 1990’s, on patients undergoing colonoscopies.  Yikes!  Back then it was much more painful to have a colonoscopy.  The tubes didn’t bend like they do now.  In this study, every 60 seconds throughout the procedure the patient was asked to rate the level of pain they were experiencing.

Here are two examples of the results they found:

On an experiential level, it would seem that Patient B had the worse experience.  It was over twice as long and reached or exceeded the levels of pain Patient A experienced.

But when they asked the patients about their experience right after the procedure and then again sometime later, Patient A had the worse memory of the procedure.

The researchers realized that Patient A’s memory of the experience was much worse than Patient B’s because a very critical part in the shaping of our memory of an experience is how the experience ends.  If the story ends badly, we will tend to have a worse memory of the entire experience.  Patient A had a worse memory of the experience because their pain was highest at the very end, whereas the pain for Patient B tapered off at the end, so by the time it was all over Patient B didn’t remember the experience as being all that bad.

The researchers found that for Patient A, if the doctors left the colonoscopy tube in for just a couple extra minutes without causing as much pain at the end of the procedure, Patient A would have a better memory of the entire experience (if that’s possible with a colonoscopy!).

Our remembering self is the one that makes future decisions.  If we remember an experience badly, we won’t want to repeat it or we’ll chose another alternative.  In this scenario, Patient A may choose never to have a colonoscopy again or they may choose a different doctor if they have another colonoscopy.

How Does This Relate To Life?:

How does this research relate to our everyday lives?  What about when something is coming to an end or is transitioning in our lives at church or at work or in our relationships?

Sadly, most of us have seen so few positive examples in our lives of how to finish well.  We’ve probably seen more examples of how not to finish well.  We’ve seen employers and employees not finish well at work.  We’ve seen relationships not finish well.  Most of what we’ve observed in many situations is how people’s emotional unhealthiness, woundedness, and lack of leadership initiative has impacted the way they ended things.

In the church, I’ve observed some ministries that have ended badly after years of amazing God-breathed blessings.  These endings were like train wrecks after an amazing ride through glorious mountain splendor, leaving many people hurt in the aftermath.  When things ended badly, people were less likely to get involved in another group, ministry, or leadership role, some even left the church altogether and never came back.

Thankfully, I’ve also observed ministries that have ended extraordinarily well.  Because of the wonderful modeling of these incredible Christian leaders who led well through the transitions, I’ve been encouraged (and attempt to encourage others) to expend the time and energy to  finish well when something is coming to an end or transitioning.  It can impact they way we all view the entire experience and our future involvement in similar experiences.

An Example of Finishing Well At Work:

 

When I left my job as a CPA to transition into full-time ministry almost four years ago, my boss of 21 years and his wife (Bill and Suzie Knopf) took me out to dinner at their Country Club on my very last day.  They were choosing to finish well. My boss asked me out to dinner shortly after I told him my plans.  “I can’t guarantee that I won’t cry”, I said to him, as my eyes started to get watery.  He waved his hand, brushing away my sentimentality.  He moved toward the door to escape.  Just before he walked out, he turned around and said, “I can’t guarantee I won’t cry either.”  Then he was gone.

 

 

That evening at dinner, we had a wonderful celebration of our precious years together.  After dessert, I told them that before we ended the evening I had some things I wanted to say.   “So often in life we don’t say the things we want to say.  We let fear get in the way.  I want to take this opportunity to make sure I say the things that I want to say.”  I held out my hands and I asked my boss’s wife if she would give me her hands.  She put her hands in mine.  I looked her in the eyes and told her what an amazing lady I thought she was.  I noted specific things I appreciated about her, and then told her that I loved her.  She told me she loved me too, and we hugged.

 

Then I came along side my boss.  I held out my hands and my boss put his big hands in mine, right there in the Country Club dining room.  I told him I wasn’t sure I could do this without crying, and immediately my eyes started to water.  My boss looked me in the eyes and said, “I love you, Randy. You have been like a son to me.”  Then both of us were teary.  I said the things that I wanted to say and he said the things he wanted to say.  It was a beautiful, amazing moment.  We truly finished well. I still hold fond memories of my boss and his wife and my whole experience at the accounting firm.

How I Attempt To Finish Well In Mentoring Ministry:

 

When I eventually must say goodbye to someone I’ve spiritually mentored, I always want to end with celebration, even if I’ll continue to see them outside of our mentoring relationship.   Usually that person and I will spend at least one meeting reminiscing over all the amazing things God did during our times together that we are thankful for, celebrating all the growth that has been experienced.  We will also spent a significant amount of time sharing personal affirmations with each other, telling each other what we love about each other and the positive character qualities we see in each other.  Doing this brings good closure to that season, giving both of us a chance to tell each other the things we want to say.  As I mentioned earlier, so often in life we don’t say the things we want to say.  We let fear get in the way.  Why are we so afraid to express love?  What’s the worst that could happen?  It’s nice to provide an opportunity, for myself and others, to say the things that we want to say as we come to a transition in our relationship.  I’ve had some truly beautiful times with people as we’ve finished well – sharing tears, stories, and encouraging words.  Marking the moment.  I’d encourage you to give this a try with those you lead.  Let me know what happens.

How Might You Finish Well?

How you end (or transition) a season of life might make a difference on how people view the whole experience and the relationship they had with you.  I encourage you to finish well.  Is there a season in your life that is ending or transitioning?  What would it look like for you to finish well?

Thank You:

Thank you so much for playing a role in this life-changing ministry.

In His Love,
Randy

Photos are from D Sharon Pruitt (search Pink Sherbert Photography) on flickr.