Legacy Shepherding Ministries, Inc. – Randy’s February 2008 Update
“The opposite of Love is not Hate, the opposite of Love is Fear” – unknown
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear…” 1 John 4:18a
During one of my meetings this month with a young leader named Nuree, I random
ly mentioned the above quote about fear being the opposite of love. Whether we agree with this quote or not, I think it is worth pondering.
For most of us, it is fear, not hate, that keeps us from loving people. When we are filled with fear (or to the degree with which we are filled), it is impossible to love. When we allow love to flow, fear is chased away.
It was as if Nuree heard the jarring sound of an old time record scratching out of groove in his brain, as something shifted in his inner world. He was suddenly seeing his life through a different paradigm. He was seeing anew how fear has held him back from giving and receiving love.
Most of his relationships, including his relationship with God, have been ruled or defined by fear.
He would rather have people like him and be pleased with him than truly know him.
In many ways, Nuree has been living with fear bonds as opposed to love bonds (See the descriptions, later in this letter, for the difference between fear bonds and love bonds).
I find many people have fear bonds with God, filled with “shoulds” and “have tos”, trying to avoid negative things like distance, disapproval, punishment and hell.
Rather than seeing that we are always in God’s loving presence, he is always with us and is continually drawing us closer into deeper intimacy, we often think we have to work our way into God’s presence and love. We should read our Bibles more, pray more, do more spiritual disciplines – all good things. Unfortunately, they are often seen as “shoulds” attached with guilt, and “shoulds” with guilt are fear bonds. God desires us to move into love bonds with him.
I believe Nuree is moving from fear bonds into love bonds.
Nuree has taken some real risks this past month, opening himself up to God and people like never before, being real and honest with who he is, instead of trying to be who people want him to be, trying hard to please them so they will love him.
He is discovering many lies he has believed about God and about love. He is at a place of truly being able to invite Jesus into the fearful parts of himself, parts I believe Jesus desires to heal and restore. And he is feeling the pain that comes with the process.
I’m already seeing changes in him. He is opening himself up to loving God in new ways, deeper ways. He is also loving people in new ways. Recently, his encounters with people have brought a whole new level of ministry, as he allows himself to become an authentic Wounded Healer, a true pastor, a shepherd who guides people into love bonds rather than passing his fear bonds onto them.
Please pray for Nuree, the other young leaders I shepherd, myself, and everyone who receives this letter (including yourself), that we will not bond to God and to other with fear bonds, but with love bonds. That perfect love will cast out all fear.
Thank you so much.
Love,
Randy
PS Please also pray for my financial support.
PSS Have you checked out the website at legacyshepherding.org? It’s still in process, but getting there!
Love Bonds versus Fear Bonds in Relationships:
From “Living From The Heart Jesus Gave You: The Essential of Christian Living – The Life Model”
by Friesen, Wilder, Bierling, Koepcke, and Poole
Fear Bonds
1. Based on fear and characterized by guilt, shame, desperation, pain, humiliation, manipulation and/or fear of: rejection, abandonment, or other detrimental consequences.
2. Bond is avoidance driven. (I bond because I want to avoid negative feelings or pain or loss. I have to be with you.)
3. Fear Bonds only grow stronger by moving closer or by moving farther away. (The closer we get, the scarier it gets, so I have to avoid the closeness, or the farther away we get, the scarier it gets, so I have to manipulate closeness).
4. We cannot share both positive and negative feelings. The bond is strengthened by:
a) avoiding negative or positive feelings, or
b) by sharing only negative feelings or sharing only positive feelings, not both.
5. Participants on only one end of the bond gain advantage; the bond actually inhibits people from acting like themselves.
6. Pretending and deceit are required. We must hide “unacceptable” parts of ourselves.
7. Fear Bonds increasingly restrict and stunt growth, keeping people from finding their true heart.
8. Fear Bonds operate from the back of the brain, and govern “How do I get what I want?” or “How do I get people and God to love me?”
Love Bonds
1. Based on love and characterized by truth, closeness, intimacy, security, acceptance, joy, peace, perseverance and authentic giving.
2. Bond is desire driven (I bond because I want to be with you).
3. Love Bonds grow stronger both when we move closer and when we move farther away. (When we move closer, I get to know you better. When we move farther away, I am still blessed by the memory of you.)
4. We can share both positive and negative feelings. The bond is strengthened by this truthful sharing.
5. Participants on both ends of the bond benefit; the bond encourages all to act like themselves.
6. Truth pervades the relationship. No need to hide any part of ourselves.
7. Love Bonds continually grow and mature people, equipping them to find their true heart.
8. Love Bonds operate from the front of the brain (the joy center), and govern “How do I act like myself?” or “How do I be fully me?”
May we all grow in Love Bonds with the Lord, for perfect Love cast out all Fear.
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